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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Why Christians Commit Suicide

Having lived with the demon that makes you feel like you have nothing to live for from the age of 13 to 29 and having been a Christian longer than that I know the answer to this question all too well. I remember my pastor asking this question from the pulpit: “Why would a Christian commit suicide?” I wanted to raise my hand and answer. And while he listed reasonable reasons, I completely disagreed with the answers and the solutions he suggested.

I disagreed because I knew the truth and had tried all of the religious antic to breaking free of the demon and its power. I had shouted cried, received laying on of hands, fasted, prayed, read books and lied to myself that I wasn’t sad anymore. Not one bit of it worked. Nothing. As soon as I was hurt or let down, out came the desire to die. I would try to think about my family. I remember texting an ex my last love letter to my family. Things I wanted them to know about me and apologies. He thought I was bluffing, but I had taken a full bottle of sleeping pills. The funny thing was that I slept right through my plans for the evening, but I didn’t die. A month later I had secured a more permanent solution to the life problem at church, and I gave God one last chance to help me. And he did, he allowed a woman that I really love and admire at my church to stop and pray for me. A week later my boyfriend pulled a stunt and I felt the emptiness creep back in.

Then I decided as a testament to my will that I would not die. I began to meditate and pray and I took charge of my sanity. I stopped waiting on God to deliver me and I began fighting for my life. I am proud to say that I am now delivered. Even as I sit here in the midst of my testimony, waiting for the joy inside this story, I have no desire to die. I am sad and worried but not hopeless. Not at the point that I don’t believe in the light of morning bringing me redemption.

But to answer the question from the other side I think I can offer more than I would have on that Sunday in service. Then I wanted people to understand that I felt alone and no matter how much people claimed to love me they still caused me grief and that in a crowd of people I felt more alone then sitting in a room filled with darkness. I wanted people to know that I was irrevocably broken. I wanted them to get that I didn’t know what real happiness felt like because the lows were so deep that I couldn’t enjoy good times worried about how bad I would feel when they left, lied, or didn’t have time for me. I was alive but not living.

Christians commit suicide because they are taught to believe that God will physically remove their pain. That he will heal them and make them strong so that they can withstand this fiery dart of the devil. They get so tied up in church you can’t tell them from the pew, then they began to fade or they move like a robot and not like a true servant. They seek and find approval from people they admired only to be disappointed by their humanity. Then that faithful Christian finds himself alone or maybe they backslide and see if alcohol and illicit sex will make it better. Then finally when no one is looking and they see an opportunity they quit the fight, and die. For them the only sweet release from years of pain, misery, disgust and disappointment. They leave the unfulfilled dreams and the sticky situations; no more break-ups or lies or false promises, not another failure. It’s finally over.

Now to a person without this monkey on their back they are thinking its just life! Get over it! Well let me help you, they can’t. It’s not nearly as easy as it seems, and for the believer they are waiting on God to do something that doesn’t seem to be happening, and when they realize he is not going to do it, they quit. For some they make a split decision in a moment of despair, but for many it is years of contemplations and trying to build up the courage and diminish the will to live.

The reason that I am so committed to trying to get people to understand and use their own power and to look for the answers within, is because that is what saved my life. I stopped believing that some by some miracle the emptiness and the pain would just dry up. I stopped waiting for the sun to shine and started opening the blinds. I decided that I was going to watch and guard the door to my spirit and inspect everything I let in or out of me. I declared to the wall that I choose life and freedom and when I can’t feel God, I love myself enough to fill me!!!!

When you think as much as I do, and for that matter most of the creative people that suffer with this illness of self-murderous thoughts, you have to find a way to control them and express your creativity. The main goal in breaking the suicidal hold is to learn how to reject the emotions. Christianity gives us a lot of tools to use in this process, but nothing and no one, not even God, can do this for you!

As a Christian you know how to speak to the mountain. So start saying the right things. Don’t just faith-talk. Ask yourself mental questions, embrace the voices in your head, and talk to yourself. Analyze your emotions. Choose to forgive people that wronged you, by taking back the power they had in hurting or disappointing you. Be brutally honest with yourself. Realize that what happened to you does not define you. And while I have said these things in one short paragraph accept that they take time to accomplish and determination to experience the benefits of in life.

In my own breakthrough I started giving myself an opportunity to feel negative and sad emotions. For example my grandmother was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and several other debilitating diseases that would make her healing process almost non-existent. She couldn’t exercise and because of the dementia making her eat right was like child abuse. So I came to my apartment and sat on the couch and I stayed there. I cried, I watched TV, I stared at the wall, I felt as helpless and as hopeless as I ever had been. Then I woke up the next morning. I decided that well that was that now I have to get actively involved in doing what can be done and I told myself that my pity party was over. So it was, and I began accepting the possibility that she may not be with me much longer physically or mentally, and I decided that it was okay. And guess what? It was and it has been every since. Although, that woman has no intention of dying before I am a bestselling author!

Daily, I meditate and think about my life, where I am and where I want to be and what is possible on the path to getting me there. I accept my failures and mistakes and choose not to let them haunt or destroy any part of me. In the first chapter of my healing I joined a writing group. The difference between a writing group and a book club is that we write the stories and review them together, instead of reading a book and pontificating the writer’s meaning. Nothing against book clubs, I love them! I just needed something different, remember creativity needs expression. So I expressed myself. I started a blog and to be honest I have written in the blog more since I left my group than I ever did before.

I believe that The Holy Spirit that lives on the inside of me guides me, but I decide where I am going. I either accept or deny the reality. I love clich├ęs and one of my favorite is: “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” Thanks Iyanla. I find it to be true but not for the obvious reasons. I knew this statement when I was suicidal, when I wanted nothing more than to die, despite having a beautiful little boy that was my responsibility to raise and good looks and a great personality and a JOB, something I want know so bad I can taste it. I felt worse than I ever feel now, because I didn’t understand the importance of order and what priority really means when it comes to the moral compass. I was ruled by emotions that I never took the time to understand or interpret. Never asking myself why they were my driving force. So I stopped being the victim and taking everything so personally. I started evaluating why I had given this person the power to make me feel verbally assaulted with their opinion. I used my will to take control of my mind and my emotions. So not only did I better understand what it meant to stand for something, but I knew when I was falling for something that didn’t line up with my beliefs.

This is the basis of how I survived my story. You will have your own. The most important thing is that you take the concepts. These are principles; apply them to your life. Remember that this one is on you and God can only give you grace to make it through. I hope you find the joy inside your story!

Live Life Like You Only Get One Chance

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I need you

I need you much like the air I breathe, Lord
I need you to bring me up when I am down,
To bring me down when my feet have elevated beyond firm ground

I need you

I need you to comfort me
I need you to keep me
Lord be my shelter from the rain
I need you to keep me sane

When the world closes in on me
When my physical strength fails to keep my head held high
I need you

I need you to allow me into your bosom
And I need you to hold me there
I need you to receive my every care
I need you

I need you here and I need you there
There in the silence, and in the crowd
Over there with my noisy disappointments
And those ever screaming fears
I need you

I need you right here in the face of my failures
In the parts of me that feel unworthy of love and acceptance
I need you

Because this need requires my seed I submit my strength and my will
I receive you

Friday, June 17, 2011

Don't Congratulate the Haters

The reality of life is that as human beings we create energy. We are either going to do something positive with that energy or we are going to do something evil with it. Sometimes being evil helps people get ahead. But I have decided that my bet from this day forward will be on the people that want to make a difference. Positivity and creativity are the only sources I am sending my cash to.

I plan to purchase the new Kelly Roland CD because she has just been grinding trying to find her way to make a mark in this industry on her own. She hasn’t been quoted as having anything negative to say about anyone. I like that and as a result it has inspired me to give to givers. Many years ago when I was full throttle church girl, and a member of my church suggested that I only get my hair and nails done by members of my church because they would tithe my money. I thought that was cool and while I am not really in the same city as my church anymore and I have not found one in the midst of these fakers. But it was a worthwhile concept that helped me to adopt this viewpoint: don’t congratulate the haters!

I try to be a positive person and surround myself with positive people. I believe that we all have something to give that will make the people around us better in so many ways. What I believe to be our biggest mistake is that we fail to identify the people that are toxic to the world not just our well-being. The human nature is selfish so when we look at people we see how their actions affect us, but what effect does their lifestyle leave on the world. Is it possible that they talk about everyone but you, so you think? Could it be that they just don’t like certain people not just the ones with more money or status than them? Is it really possible for every woman with a good job and some style that doesn’t speak when spoken to be a bitch? Who cares to give it that much energy? I don’t and if you were focusing on what’s important then you would not either.

If you are clearly in pursuit of purpose then you will find the strength to live life on purpose and not care what anyone thinks no matter who they are or what they think. We only get once chance to live this life so why live it like someone else thinks it should be lived. Find your center and live according to your own standard. Iyanla said one thing that she should have lived by: Stand for something or you will fall for anything. What are you standing for? Who are you helping and is it really what’s best for the universe?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

More truth

Since I started this truth thing I was thinking why not keep it going? Today I was getting my hair done in the most interestingly hood place I have been as an adult. I say that because my father was ho-ood and he took me to all kinds of house barbershops and bootleggers as a child. Today I sat in a house that had a pool table, a beauty shop, a barbershop and an outside was an automotive shop. To make it more real there was no air conditioning and all of the drink machines were empty except for Pepsi that was hand written on the dispenser button. To further make my experience real, you had to catch you soda with your hand or it would fall on the floor. LMAO! Now if you know me then you know this kind of stuff intrigues me.
As a payoff to my interest I met a gentleman there that I ended up sitting next to because the girl that was going to sew in my weave (my first time and I still don’t recognize myself) worked in a room of the house with a barber. The funny real life experience part was that a group of his friends went and got beer and basically hung out in this room talking sh*t and making us laugh but also taking up space and as the sun rose so did the heat! Nevertheless, as always relationship chatter began. I had taken in that these men were the fiber of the community. They were the electricians and janitors. These people were the “poor” making less than $30,000 a year and laughing all the way to the state store, baby.
So of course as I sat between two guys with my head aching from the braids, in round one of the fight for a manageable hair style, these men began talking to me. In the course of the conversation I mentioned that I was working on a self-help book. He asked me pointed questions that really helped me understand the truth concept. His question was: “What helps people that are in a place that they are being downsized at work and have responsibilities that they are now not able to keep up, then they are losing their house or car and can’t pay childcare.”
So again an opportunity to make my point presented itself. I explained to him and I want to deal with here: If you live in a place of truth you can handle anything. Life will always happen the good the bad and the bull shiggitty! My answer was this in life sometimes you can’t see the bad coming, try as you might things will take you by storm. So the way to be prepared is that you stay in a place of truth. When you face the problem you look at everything that it will affect honestly. You say okay, I can survive for three more months and then I have to do something. What kind of job can I take at what pay to survive? What do I need to give up? Who can I call to make arrangements on existing bills and balances? Truth is about getting in there and accepting what has happened and what has to be done.
Truth is the only way to win in life. Live according to what you have determined to be the best life for you and don’t lie to yourself or try to let your life lie to others. Another point I made to him is that often in life we can be trying to be better at living in truth and then began to lie to the world. Maybe next I will tell you how I learned to live above what other people think and still give a damn.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Truth: You Can't Handle The Truth!

I start all of my relationships with this one request: "Tell me the truth. Even if it breaks my heart respect my right to know." Men usually respond by saying that I don't mean that, probably because I am fatally attracted to a smooth man. Nevertheless, I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

In talking with my friends lately, I am understanding that women can't handle the truth. I remember when this was true for me and I hope this helps you as much as remembering it has helped me.

One of my ex-lovers was a player. To his core he was a con-man. He saw every person as a means to his end. In his warped view he believed that he gave love and what he wanted was his receiving love. He never let go of women from his past the ones that remained devoted he used for whatever purpose they could serve while holding a relationship just out of reach. In all fairness to me I was not aware of this in the beginning. I felt like I was his Queen to be! The reality is that people who try to control you are the best at making you love them. (I have a saying that if he/she (especially she) spends a lot of money in the beginning they are placing a down payment to secure you for the future drama. Beware of the Sugar Daddy!)
As we dated and he whined and dined me. I was just loving him and not listening to that still small voice inside of me that was screaming this dude is going to play you like a card game. The interesting part was that he told just enough of the truth and avoided the incriminating details. As I spent a year being wrapped up in a beautiful lie, my soul began to decay. I began hating myself for being "that girl." I need the truth to live above the demons that want entry into my life. So living a lie was opening doors to misery I was sure I had conquered.
So when my dear aunt came to my house and took me out to an abandoned church to re-dedicate myself to my first love - GOD, I changed my outlook. It took time and cost me lots of money, but I moved away from the lie. Not so much the ones that he told, which were white and small compared to the ones that I told myself about what and who we were together. All along I knew the truth but I didn’t want to accept it.
Was that his fault? No. I have forgiven myself for not listening to my spirit and allowing so much pain and disappointment to infiltrate my existence. He was who he is and it was my choice to allow that in my life. God and Life changes people, not other people or their feelings for them, trust me on that!
I wish men could understand that sometimes women stay despite the worse that has happened. Truth creates respect.
If a person reveals the worse of themselves are you living in the truth in such a way that you understand and refuse to judge or be rude? When you know who you are you know what you can handle and if the subject is one that makes your spirit uneasy be brave and leave that person alone. I say be brave because the easiest thing to do in any relationship is stay.
I was a coward. I stayed because I enjoyed the time spent and the status symbols. I drank the kool-aid as they say and it was more fun to put in a pretty glass than to put it down.
So first, love you enough to know what you value then accept that even if he does not say it, you know the truth. Then be brave enough to leave him alone.
Now I want to address a few situations: If the man tells you the truth, don't trip because of it, especially if you knew it was likely to have been happening. Secondly, closure is pagan concept!!!! You do not need him to admit what you feel in your belly to leave him. Just go and you do not have to talk about it or let him know you are moving on. Enough conversations with your voicemail will send the picture loud and clear. Trust your intuition. Finally, cultivate your spirit so that you can hear it. Be able to determine between jealousy, past hurt and what you know the God In You sees in the Spirit World.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Church Girlz

I realize that I sometimes my efforts to help can seem offensive. I can often use the word church girl like I am cussing. Sometimes I am so angry with the shackles of religion and ignorance that I appear to lash out more than love.
I realized that something was wrong when a woman berated one of my blog posts. At first I did what we all do and dismissed her as misinformed and a shining example of my point. Then last night I sat on the phone with a friend and listened to her dilemma, then gave her my truth in a way that changed her outlook. By the end of the conversation I realized that I myself had been ignorant.
See I understand that there is an evil power at work in the universe and that after millions of years he knows that if it is meant to do well, it can cause the most harm. Being right is a dangerous place to be! I am right about church girls because I have been everywhere they are, but what I am wrong about is how I have approached them. I am wrong for acting like they know better, or like they are stupid for living a life in-line with what they have been taught. So to all the CHURCH GIRLS I APOLOGIZE! You have to forgive me it's what Jesus would do. (just a little humor)
I want you to know that this blog was started for women like me, those that have been taught to put everything and everyone before themself. Women who are absent in their own lives and so busy that they forget to notice. Women so committed to giving that they have forgotten to save something for themselves.
I believe that every woman possesses her own beauty her own unique gifts that change the world. Our flaw is that we fail to use them for change. We either become indignant in being right (my own mistake) or we become defeated by being told that we are wrong.
I want to help women not because I can. I realize that my alienation from them most of my life was an attempt by the forces of evil to keep me from connecting. I now realize more than ever that as a woman of faith that has exposed all of the lies in my own life I can help someone else do the same. I am now more committed than ever to helping the girls from 9-99 get something for themselves.
I see you and I know your pain, it’s all the same. (learned the last part from Oprah.)
So I invite you to meet me here as often as you can so that we can chit chat about the way to navigate through the crazy and come into our own. I love you and I understand.