I think it is possible to become stupid after having been smart. As I sit around with my iPhone watching other people’s lives via their Facebook posts and Tweets I think I am actually killing my brain cells. I heard a voicemail that included my voice while speaking to someone else and I was almost embarrassed to sound that way. Talk about ghetto! I didn’t bother to enunciate most of the words and I shortened the sentences to stupid.
I am going to give myself a break from social media for the first week of the new year. It is not a resolution or a promise. More a pact I am making with my brain. If I fill it with wisdom it will hold it and help me not be appear average.
I plan to spend the first week of this year focusing on smart things. I am going to try to re-join my writing circle, do some yoga, read a real novel with a spine, not on my phone and go to the gym. I am going to meditate and pray 2 hours a day. I will make task lists and keep my closet organized. Pay attention when I am driving and in conversations. Be present in the minutes in my life, big or small. I read today while Facebook-watching, Make this the last year that you say, “This is my year!” I was like AMEN!
For me I plan to make this "The Year" in so many ways! I am not putting anything off and I am not making any excuses. I have a lovely man on the horizon, a beautiful, strong, kind, smart and intelligent child; I am strong, healthy and apparently very pretty. So I am done with the excuses. No more next year for me. In 2012 I will walk out my purpose and go get everything that was designed for my success. I am not waiting for it to come. My meditation will be on ways I can put my feet forward. I believe that old adage “if you make one step God will make two”. So I am stepping, and I hope you do to!
Just open up the week with some spiritual focus and mental growth, I have my plan develop your own. Even as I write this I know I will end up posting my progress on Facebook or Tweeting my feelings. So maybe I will just resolve to send and not receive. We will see how it goes. But I want to be smarter and more accomplished because it is my God-given right and yours too! So skip the resolutions and let’s make a pact, an agreement with ourselves, a commitment to honor what we believe we must do to live life to the fullest and that we will get done no matter what. Since the Romans thought 2012 would be it, let’s live it like it’s our last so that the rest will be overflow!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sometimes the Devil uses the Truth to tell You a Lie
This blog is about holding on to a piece of yourself in the midst of caring for the people around you. A few years ago I learned how to handle this task. The thing is I learned in the midst of conditions that later changed. I learned to love me with a job and flat stomach. I loved me with a nice car and cash to spend. I loved me knowing that I wasn’t alone and that My Mae had my back no matter what! I was so indignant with confidence that I thought I had so much to share about being your own woman. Then life changed, and the winds rocked my world.
I am today a woman who has learned that saving something for yourself gets harder as life changes and you lose everything you hold dear. For many years I was always told that the Devil Is A Liar!! And I believe that to be true, but I have learned that because the game has been exposed he has resorted to an even older trick: The truth!
As my mother lay on her death bed unable to clean and care for herself, and depending on me for those things all while being in more pain than I could bear watching her in. Every night after she was clean, fed and asleep for the night I began to go to my car and play the Song Encourage Yourself! As I sat there and faced my reality, knowing that the one person that had loved me through all of my ups and downs was about to leave me. She wouldn’t be there to kiss me or make me a grilled cheese sandwich. No more secret laughter. I was losing my oldest and dearest friend at a time when the whole world seemed to be against me. I had lost everything else. All I had was my health thank God for that. Mentally I could not process a thought. Emotionally I was being shredded; physically I was being worn out. The child that I had sacrificed my own happiness for had decided to leave me so he could in essence “have his way.” My friends had so many problems that mine seemed mute to mention, and if I did they only had “60 seconds” then back to them. I knew that God was keeping me because I was not overwhelmed in the drowning sense. So when the devil came to break me he just made the truth more obvious. I had no job to go to and the time I was spending with my mother was guaranteeing my eviction from my home. I had at that moment nothing tangible. All that mattered was lost or being removed and had no ability to do anything but sneak away to my car and sing this song. I knew in the time I spent in that car crying and choosing to believe God that it was all I had to keep me sane.
Sometimes what you keep for yourself doesn’t seem like much at all. Sometimes the devil isn’t lying when he says you are alone, even when you are surrounded by people that love you more from their heart than to minister to your own. At a time such as this you have to remember what God said about your future. Because I am a firm believer that he does see the end from the beginning and that in the moment of battle you have to know that this may be happening but it isn’t how the story ends! I will never say the devil is accurate but he can be stating the present. So encourage yourself by saying your faith. Say what God told you about your future and settle within yourself that you are ordained to win.
As I write this I believe God for the manifestation of my victory. I expect nothing less. I know for sure that when everything is gone the promise will sustain you.
I am today a woman who has learned that saving something for yourself gets harder as life changes and you lose everything you hold dear. For many years I was always told that the Devil Is A Liar!! And I believe that to be true, but I have learned that because the game has been exposed he has resorted to an even older trick: The truth!
As my mother lay on her death bed unable to clean and care for herself, and depending on me for those things all while being in more pain than I could bear watching her in. Every night after she was clean, fed and asleep for the night I began to go to my car and play the Song Encourage Yourself! As I sat there and faced my reality, knowing that the one person that had loved me through all of my ups and downs was about to leave me. She wouldn’t be there to kiss me or make me a grilled cheese sandwich. No more secret laughter. I was losing my oldest and dearest friend at a time when the whole world seemed to be against me. I had lost everything else. All I had was my health thank God for that. Mentally I could not process a thought. Emotionally I was being shredded; physically I was being worn out. The child that I had sacrificed my own happiness for had decided to leave me so he could in essence “have his way.” My friends had so many problems that mine seemed mute to mention, and if I did they only had “60 seconds” then back to them. I knew that God was keeping me because I was not overwhelmed in the drowning sense. So when the devil came to break me he just made the truth more obvious. I had no job to go to and the time I was spending with my mother was guaranteeing my eviction from my home. I had at that moment nothing tangible. All that mattered was lost or being removed and had no ability to do anything but sneak away to my car and sing this song. I knew in the time I spent in that car crying and choosing to believe God that it was all I had to keep me sane.
Sometimes what you keep for yourself doesn’t seem like much at all. Sometimes the devil isn’t lying when he says you are alone, even when you are surrounded by people that love you more from their heart than to minister to your own. At a time such as this you have to remember what God said about your future. Because I am a firm believer that he does see the end from the beginning and that in the moment of battle you have to know that this may be happening but it isn’t how the story ends! I will never say the devil is accurate but he can be stating the present. So encourage yourself by saying your faith. Say what God told you about your future and settle within yourself that you are ordained to win.
As I write this I believe God for the manifestation of my victory. I expect nothing less. I know for sure that when everything is gone the promise will sustain you.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Feeling like I have nothing left
In August I lost my mother and while I have never had a functional family at least I could count on them to be together. I realize that with her death comes the dismemberment of my clan. I am a woman without a people.
I used to fear marriage as the first death. I have a saying that you live once and die twice. The first death is too yourself. When you choose to love others more than yourself. I realize now that I died to myself a long time ago. I have never understood my privilege of people to turn to. Now that it seems I have no one I have a deeper understanding of why I never lived. Faced with the opportunity to do anything I want I desire nothing more than the safety and the shelter of my mother's love. There is a part of me that is missing, a part that I died to long ago.
I started this blog because I felt like as women we don’t keep anything for ourselves. Without knowing and sometimes even realizing we give it all away. We die to our true selves. I now understand why I have lived through so much misery. In some strange way I was married to Mae. My birth parents dropped me off because they were insufficient to parent, but they didn’t realize that instead of being completely adopted I was being joined to someone. I had to accept what they said never believing it. So I wanted to get out of my life. I wanted a divorce from the ideals and responsibilities of my family. I tried suicide at 12 and partying in college. At 15 I tried devout religion and 19 a bottle of pills. I never knew why I was so unstable emotionally. I just wanted out because I didn’t know how to be happy there. I fear failure at rate unimaginable so when I fail it is life altering for me. Maybe I wanted to die because I couldn’t see how I would succeed.
I know realize that being a servant has to be channeled and love has to have some intelligence or it will destroy you. My rearing made me a doer that expected a lot in return. Thrusting me into adulthood ill equipped for growth and maturity. The funny is now that I think I want to be stable and love my family they are gone. I guess I am a day late and a few dollars short.
What I have learned is that there are no easy answers and no easy escapes. Life is about moments. One minute you are up the next you may be down, but in the next you may be on the ground feet planted firm. I will never know more than I do now that in those firm moments you have to prepare yourself for the next moment. No human is without flaws and imperfections but that is what makes us a work of art.
Life is trying to break me and I know it is so that I can abort my mission. So instead of giving in to the overwhelming desire to bail, to give up and die, I am choosing to run on and see my expected end. It hurts that I am alone that the only person that has ever loved me is gone and there is not a soul to take her place, but that is okay too. It has to be if I am to live I have so many things to accept and my current state is one of them. I don’t know who I will become but I hope I succeed!
I used to fear marriage as the first death. I have a saying that you live once and die twice. The first death is too yourself. When you choose to love others more than yourself. I realize now that I died to myself a long time ago. I have never understood my privilege of people to turn to. Now that it seems I have no one I have a deeper understanding of why I never lived. Faced with the opportunity to do anything I want I desire nothing more than the safety and the shelter of my mother's love. There is a part of me that is missing, a part that I died to long ago.
I started this blog because I felt like as women we don’t keep anything for ourselves. Without knowing and sometimes even realizing we give it all away. We die to our true selves. I now understand why I have lived through so much misery. In some strange way I was married to Mae. My birth parents dropped me off because they were insufficient to parent, but they didn’t realize that instead of being completely adopted I was being joined to someone. I had to accept what they said never believing it. So I wanted to get out of my life. I wanted a divorce from the ideals and responsibilities of my family. I tried suicide at 12 and partying in college. At 15 I tried devout religion and 19 a bottle of pills. I never knew why I was so unstable emotionally. I just wanted out because I didn’t know how to be happy there. I fear failure at rate unimaginable so when I fail it is life altering for me. Maybe I wanted to die because I couldn’t see how I would succeed.
I know realize that being a servant has to be channeled and love has to have some intelligence or it will destroy you. My rearing made me a doer that expected a lot in return. Thrusting me into adulthood ill equipped for growth and maturity. The funny is now that I think I want to be stable and love my family they are gone. I guess I am a day late and a few dollars short.
What I have learned is that there are no easy answers and no easy escapes. Life is about moments. One minute you are up the next you may be down, but in the next you may be on the ground feet planted firm. I will never know more than I do now that in those firm moments you have to prepare yourself for the next moment. No human is without flaws and imperfections but that is what makes us a work of art.
Life is trying to break me and I know it is so that I can abort my mission. So instead of giving in to the overwhelming desire to bail, to give up and die, I am choosing to run on and see my expected end. It hurts that I am alone that the only person that has ever loved me is gone and there is not a soul to take her place, but that is okay too. It has to be if I am to live I have so many things to accept and my current state is one of them. I don’t know who I will become but I hope I succeed!
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