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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Feeling like I have nothing left

In August I lost my mother and while I have never had a functional family at least I could count on them to be together. I realize that with her death comes the dismemberment of my clan. I am a woman without a people.
I used to fear marriage as the first death. I have a saying that you live once and die twice. The first death is too yourself. When you choose to love others more than yourself. I realize now that I died to myself a long time ago. I have never understood my privilege of people to turn to. Now that it seems I have no one I have a deeper understanding of why I never lived. Faced with the opportunity to do anything I want I desire nothing more than the safety and the shelter of my mother's love. There is a part of me that is missing, a part that I died to long ago.

I started this blog because I felt like as women we don’t keep anything for ourselves. Without knowing and sometimes even realizing we give it all away. We die to our true selves. I now understand why I have lived through so much misery. In some strange way I was married to Mae. My birth parents dropped me off because they were insufficient to parent, but they didn’t realize that instead of being completely adopted I was being joined to someone. I had to accept what they said never believing it. So I wanted to get out of my life. I wanted a divorce from the ideals and responsibilities of my family. I tried suicide at 12 and partying in college. At 15 I tried devout religion and 19 a bottle of pills. I never knew why I was so unstable emotionally. I just wanted out because I didn’t know how to be happy there. I fear failure at rate unimaginable so when I fail it is life altering for me. Maybe I wanted to die because I couldn’t see how I would succeed.

I know realize that being a servant has to be channeled and love has to have some intelligence or it will destroy you. My rearing made me a doer that expected a lot in return. Thrusting me into adulthood ill equipped for growth and maturity. The funny is now that I think I want to be stable and love my family they are gone. I guess I am a day late and a few dollars short.

What I have learned is that there are no easy answers and no easy escapes. Life is about moments. One minute you are up the next you may be down, but in the next you may be on the ground feet planted firm. I will never know more than I do now that in those firm moments you have to prepare yourself for the next moment. No human is without flaws and imperfections but that is what makes us a work of art.

Life is trying to break me and I know it is so that I can abort my mission. So instead of giving in to the overwhelming desire to bail, to give up and die, I am choosing to run on and see my expected end. It hurts that I am alone that the only person that has ever loved me is gone and there is not a soul to take her place, but that is okay too. It has to be if I am to live I have so many things to accept and my current state is one of them. I don’t know who I will become but I hope I succeed!

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