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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

My #uglytruth

Tonight, I watched Being Mary Jane and decided to tell my #uglytruth here. I blog because sometimes I have so much to say then I fail to blog because I can't figure out how to say the multitude of thoughts and opinions flooding my brain. So here I am blogging and telling my truth.

The truth is that I spent noticeably 18 years of my life wanting to die. A truth that has brought me to my greatest call in life, to share with others my pain and how I came to a place of healing. I was abused disregarded and fractured in so many ways as a child that I just couldn't cope. I shut down and hid my truth from not only the adults in my life that may or may not have been able to help me but from myself. I trusted no one and held hatred like an all too familiar blanket. I stored my pain in a closed off cell of my heart while I went on to damage my body by choosing lovers that were damaged and fragile, choosing friends that had something to prove not support to offer. I took care of everyone but myself and believed the lie that I was just fine.

Then after missing a really nice event because I had taken far to many sleeping pills and instead of killing me they made me vomit and sleep for two days, I asked myself the question: Why are you doing this too yourself? I had no idea and the cell my pain was locked in raged war inside of my but I had no idea that freeing it would fix it. I began what I had decided to define as my yearly purge cry. I would cry for days, just weeping like I had lost a loved one or a job or things that matter to people that much. I had no idea why and this had been happening for years so I for the second time sought medical attention. They gave me drugs that literally hurt my teeth. I could not get it together so realizing that the pills didn't make a difference in my mood I continued my quest to stop the emotional spiral. I have been in church my whole life and nothing about my religion or my spirituality had stopped me from fantasizing about running my car off the road and how to do it right so I didn't wake up in a hospital. So I knew that prayer and meditation were a tool but not the answer. So I stayed the course and began writing more. For some people gardening does it but for me nothing makes me feel clearer than words on a page, out loud, I love words. So I wrote until I received an epiphany. I got to my truth. Man it was bad. It was all kinds of horrible abuse, neglect, shaming, bullying I had lived through the nightmare and because i wouldn't accept that it had no power in the present it was keeping me up all night. I inventoried the emotions and I faced them one by one. I looked into the eye of my storm, right at that broken little girl hiding in the closet and I said to her that she was okay. I helped her understand that none of her experience was going to break her that she was born for greatness and like Joseph she was being made ready by the words of her testimony.

So when you are faced with giving up and letting go don't accept the lie that world will be better off without you. It will be better off by you becoming the person that all the evil tried to destroy. As always: Suicide is an unfortunate choice that a sane person makes when they feel like they aren't worth fighting for.  I plead with all of you today to choose yourself. Say out loud: I deserve to live this life and the best for me is yet to come I want to see it. After all the hell I've been through I should stick around to see my life get greater.
I love you because that's easy, I don't live with you!
Get Some For Yourself,

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